Stepparenting
From LoveToKnow Kids
Whether you are newly remarried or celebrating your tenth anniversary, stepparenting can be hard at times, rewarding at others. There isn't any tried and true formula for being a successful stepparent. Occasionally, you'll probably feel as if you are walking a tightrope without a net. Time is your best friend, however, and as you become more adept at handling all of the issues which surround your new or current situation, you will find that in most cases it will get easier.
The First Year of Stepparenting
Depending upon the age or ages of your stepchildren, the first year can be the most difficult. Keep in mind that when you married your spouse, your stepchild's family dynamics took an abrupt turn. Even if you and your spouse dated for an extended period of time, and you and your soon-to-be stepchildren got along beautifully, your new marriage changes things. In the long run, hopefully, these chances will be for the good, but it will take work on everyone's part. This includes the children. They must come to the conclusion that they have a part and a stake in this new family, too. For the first year, keep the following points in mind:
- Take it slowly. Don't expect your new family to instantly come together as if you've always been a part of each other's lives. Ease into this new life together.
- Don't push. While it's great to want to take an active hand in the raising of your stepchildren, it's a mistake to push the relationship before the child is ready. Again, time is on your side.
- Let your spouse handle the discipline. Think about it this way. You've had one boss for several years, and things have worked fine. All of a sudden, this new guy comes into the company, and while you still have the same boss, too, this new guy wants to boss you around as well. Doesn't sound all that great, right? Well, try to look at the situation from your stepchild's point of view. He already has one and probably two bosses in his parents, even if they aren't together. Do you really think he'll really embrace another boss right from the start?
- Show respect. One of the most important steps you will ever take as a stepparent is to show respect for your stepchild's feelings and beliefs. You may not always agree, but it is important to show respect whenever possible.
- Be patient. The relationship that you desire with your stepchild may take several months or even years. It will also fluctuate from bad, mediocre, good, and even great at times, depending upon many factors, including the child's age.
- Teens can be turbulent. Even the best behaved child in the world can turn into a moody, tempestuous teenager. Add a stepparent into the mix, and you may feel that you have a formula for disaster. Take heart, however. The teen years will pass by rather quickly, so try to be as understanding and patient as possible without losing your dignity and authority.
The Other Parent
Sometimes the most difficult part of stepparenting is battling the presence of the other parent, not literally, but figuratively. Whether your stepchild is with you on a daily basis, or you see him or her every other weekend, there may be another entity in the wings who influences the stepchild in many of his or her actions. That being said, it may not be the fault of the other parent at all. In fact, in many cases the other parent may be remarried as well, or he or she may simply desire a good relationship with everyone involved.
Often, it is the child who tries to manipulate the situation based upon what she perceives to be an act of loyalty towards the other parent. In other words, if she is nice to her stepparent, she may feel that she is being disloyal to her other parent. In some cases, it will take the efforts of all of her parents to help her see that one shouldn't be related to the other. Recognize, however, that your stepchild needs to be able to freely express her love for her other parent. It isn't something she should feel that she has to hide.
Hold On To Your Marriage
Finally, successful stepparenting has to rely on the success of the marriage. You and your spouse must not only present a united front, but you must also show each other respect, love, and support.
- Schedule private times for just the two of you.
- Never undermine the other in front of the children. If you disagree about something regarding the child, address it in private and work out a solution.
- Consider your relationship as a model for future relationships the children will have as adults. They may not have received the best example from their parents, since there was a divorce. Now, it is your turn to show them what a good relationship should be!
Help is Available
Sometimes just talking to others in the same situation can help you find ways to handle even the most stressful areas of stepparenting. Reach out to friends and family who can empathize with your situation. Seek counseling if there are problems that seem beyond your control. Finally, visit the following Websites for additional help.
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