Single Parenting

Adjusting to Single Parenting

Whether you have become a single parent because you've divorced, experienced the loss of a spouse through death, or you've never married, there may be a period of adjustment for you and your child or children. A lot of factors go into this adjustment period.

1. Are you the only parent your child has ever known?
2. Has your spouse recently died?
3. Have you just gone through a divorce?

How you answer these questions will determine how you need to single parent your child.

Only Parent

Sometimes, the other parent just simply never enters the picture. If this is the case, you are basically on your own, which can be both good and bad. Obviously, you don't have to worry about weekend and summer visitation schedules, arguments over discipline, and conflicts over child support. On the other hand, you are solely responsible for the care of your child, both emotionally and financially. While you love your child dearly, this can still be an overwhelming responsibility at times. You are both mother and father to your child, and sometimes you may need help.

1. Surround yourself with a support system of friends and family. It really does "take a village to raise a child", and your village can help you become a stronger parent.
2. Search out support groups of other single parents for some much-needed support and empathy. There are several online support groups, including Single Parents and Parents Without Partners.
3. Consider signing your child up for a Big Brother Big Sister. This organization will partner your child with a wonderful role model that can enrich his or her life.
4. Maintain good communication with your child's teacher through personal conferences and e-mail.

Parental Death

If you have recently lost your spouse, then your child is still reeling from the loss of a beloved parent. How difficult this must be for you both. Not only must you try to maintain your strength for yourself, but you must also be strong for your child. All of your efforts are focused on helping your child through her grief and making her feel secure. Who takes care of you? Although the pain you both feel will be overwhelming and, at times, almost unbearable, time will make things a little easier. Keep the following points in mind.

1. Take things day by day. Many days you'll feel as if you've taken three giant steps back instead of one step forward. Recognize that this is alright. Don't expect too much of yourself.
2. Talk to your child. How much you talk will depend on the age of your child. If she is too young to understand, keep your explanations and reasons simple. If he is a teenager, recognize that he may express his grief in a totally different way from you. Try to keep the lines of communication open.
3. Look for support from friends and family. Surrounding yourself with people who love you and your child will make things a little easier.
4. Check out support groups that both you and your child can participate in, such as Griefnet or The Healing Place.

Single Parenting After Divorce

Divorce can be tough on kids, and how you and your ex handle the divorce will have a major bearing on how well your child adjusts to the changes in her life. As single parents, you and your ex must learn how to co-parent while living apart, and sometimes this is nearly impossible to do, especially immediately after the divorce. The following points might help you single parent your child successfully.

1. Keep in mind that no matter what your personal feeling are towards your ex, he or she is still your child's parent.
2. Your child has a part of each of you in him. If you criticize the other parent, you are essentially criticizing your child!
3. Do your best to work out conflicts out of your child's presence.
4. Don't punish your ex by using your child! Don't limit visitations, etc, just because you are angry! You are hurting your child more than anyone else!
5. Keep the lines of communication with your child open. She may be confused or need to talk. Let her know exactly where she will be living and what things will change.
6. Reassure her that life will be normal, and this is just a period of adjustment.
7. Both you and your ex need to continue to reaffirm your love for your child.
8. Remember, your child has the right to have both of her parents in her life!

Finally, while single parenting, remember to take care of yourself, so you can be the best parent for your child. Talk to family, friends, clergymen, and/or mental health specialist. Look for support groups such as Divorce Care or Smart Divorce.