Divorced Parents
From LoveToKnow Kids
Divorced parents can be found in every church, business, city and town all over the world. As the divorce rates continue to rise in some areas of the world, the number of children living in one parent homes has risen as well.
Surviving Divorce
There continues to be a battle waged between those who believe in the term good divorce and those who don't. What is a good divorce? According to Constance Ahrons, well-known family therapist and author of The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart, a good divorce can be achieved if parents and children define and practice new roles within the family, and treat the family as a bi-nuclear unit by removing the stigma of divorce. Does it work? In some cases, absolutely. In others, not so well.
According to Elizabeth Marquardt, author of Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, children of divorced parents must travel between two worlds, constantly confronting the different values, morals, and beliefs that each parent follows and somehow figuring out their own beliefs in the midst of this sometimes confusing scenario. Marquardt believes that even if the divorce is a good one, where the parents exist amicably apart from each other, a conflict still exists within the child or children.
Whose version is correct? The answer may be both or none. Divorce is an extremely personal issue that affects everyone involved. Can children survive divorce? Of course. Without repercussions? Maybe. Time will tell, and obviously some divorces simply can't be avoided and are often a better answer to the current situation.
Divorced Parent Tips
If you are or soon will be a divorced parent, you most certainly have your children's best interests at heart. In many cases, the parent may rant and rave and vent their anger, sorrow, and fear to friends, family members, and counselors, but to whom do the children talk? To their friends, to a family member? In many cases, the answer may be no. A child might not want to talk with anyone simply because talking with someone may make him or her feel disloyal to one or both parents. So, they hold their confusion, doubts, and fear within themselves, putting on a brave and almost serene front for their parents. The parents, in turn, assume their children are adjusting nicely and may be even happier. As a divorced parent, how can you help your child through the divorce?
- Encourage her to talk without asking her to badmouth the other parent.
- Don't try to coerce information from the child about the other parent.
- Don't use the child as a messenger between the parents.
- Don't criticize the other parent to the child.
- Don't use the child as your confidante. Find a friend to talk to, and be a parent to your child. Keep your anger, frustration, and fears to yourself.
- Limit the changes in your child's life as much as possible.
- Try to make the transitions from one household to another as smooth as possible.
- Be consistent with visitations.
- Don't try to discourage your child from spending time with the other parent.
- Seek outside help from a counselor if you feel your child needs it.
Telling Your Child About the Divorce
One of the hardest things you'll ever do is tell your child that her world is changing and that you and her other parent are divorcing. Is it easy? No, but it can be done. Keep the following points in mind:
- Both parents should be together when telling the child or children about the divorce.
- Be honest, and tell the child as soon as the decision to divorce has been made.
- If your children are older, talk to them about what you and your spouse have done to try to save the marriage.
- Be specific about living arrangements, visitation schedules, new homes, pets, etc.
- Encourage your child or children to ask questions, and try to answer them as simply and honestly as possible.
- Finally, stress repeatedly to your child that he or she is not to blame, and in fact, don't attribute blame for the failed marriage to anyone. Instead, repeatedly remind your child that she is loved by both parents, and that both parents will remain active in her life.
More Help
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