Children and Divorce

Children and Divorce: Telling Them

One of the hardest thing parents may ever have to say and one of the hardest thing children may have to hear is the news of divorce. Parents should not tell children about a divorce unless they are absolutely certain that it will take place. If divorce is definitely forthcoming, consider these guidelines when telling your children:

• Both parents should be present for the discussion.
• Both parents should be calm and in control of their emotions.
• Stress to the children that there is no other option for your family.
• Remind the children that they are not responsible in any way for the divorce.
• Avoid telling the children that you don’t love each other anymore. They will interpret this to mean that you may stop loving them some day. Instead, tell them that you still love each other, but that you can’t live with each other any more.
• Stress that you both still love them more than anything.
• Reassure them that you will do everything you can to limit the changes they will have to handle.

What to Expect

Parents should expect and be prepared for their children’s reaction to the divorce. Children will often be very sad, shocked, angry, guilty, and confused about the change. They may see the divorce as the fault of one parent or another and direct anger toward that parent. They may withdraw from both parents. Often, a child will blame himself for his parents’ divorce. He may believe that his own behavior is the cause of the family’s problems. Sometimes a child’s grades will suffer during or following a divorce. It is not unusual for children to become depressed following a divorce.

Things to Do

Their are things parents can do to lessen the trauma of children and divorce. Children need parental guidance and support when the family is going through a divorce. Parents should expect children to react in different ways and should be prepared to handle such reactions appropriately.

• Keep communication open. Let your child talk about, ask questions, complain, blame, and cry about the divorce. Assure your child that his emotions are valid and okay.
• Try to keep to daily routines as much as possible. Stability will be very important to your child at this time.
• Both parents should be available for special time with each child. Both parents should consistently assure the children that they are not at fault for the split and that they are deeply loved.
• Often children benefit from counseling during a divorce. Consider this option if your child does not seem to be adjusting well. Ask your pediatrician to recommend a counselor if it seems necessary. Generally, younger children adapt more quickly and easily to divorce; adolescents, pre-teens, and teens are more likely to need counseling.

Children and Divorce: Things to Avoid

Both parents need to put the emotional well-being of their children before their own pain and anger over the divorce. In order to make the family transition easier for the children, parents should avoid the following:

• Do not discuss or share your marital problems with your children. The private details of marital conflict should always remain private. Do not make your child your confidante. It is okay to express your own sadness over the divorce, but your children will be basing their own reactions on that of their parents.
• Neither parent should ever blame or put down the other parent in front of the children. Parents should never ask the children to choose sides in a divorce.
• Avoid discussing the divorce or your feelings about your former partner with anyone when your children are in earshot. Even if you think they are occupied, they will be tuned in to your conversation.
• Don’t pump your child for information about your former partner after a visit. Don’t ask your child to give messages or information to your ex-partner. Instead, communicate regularly and in private with your ex about the children.
• Don’t make your children feel bad for wanting to spend time with or for enjoying their time with their other parent.
• Don’t withhold information about the children from your former partner or try to sabotage their relationship in any other way. Ultimately this only hurts your children.