Child Discipline

Definition of Discipline

The first step in establishing a child discipline program is to understand what discipline is-- and what it isn't. Most dictionaries define discipline as "to train" or "to guide". Although punishment is part of some parents' discipline regimens, the two words are not synonymous. In fact, it is entirely possible to guide and train your children without spanking or yelling. This is a difficult concept for some parents, especially those who were spanked as kids, to grasp. Spanking is not necessary, and many experts agree that it is harmful.

Establish Child Discipline Goals

It is important to think about your childrearing goals. Sure, you want a well-behaved child. You want a polite, well-spoken child that you can take in public! More than that, though, you probably also want a child who understands the difference between right and wrong, good and bad. This is an important distinction.

For discipline to be effective, the child should behave because she has learned the proper way to act and not simply because she fears punishment. Everyone has seen children who only behave under the watchful eye of mom or dad, with the threat of a spanking hanging over their heads. Once the threat of corporal punishment has been taken away, these children often rebel.

Setting the Stage

Ideally, you can start as early as infancy by creating a solid bond with your child. By establishing a close relationship, you are setting the stage for optimal communication. This will carryover into all of your interactions, including discipline. Some things you can do to improve communication with your child include:

• Making eye contact
• Listening when your child speaks
• Taking your child's concerns, fears, and hopes seriously
• Refraining from screaming at, yelling at, or ridiculing your child
• Letting your child know that she is an important part of your life
• Refrain from spanking or other physical punishments
• Offer your child hugs and kisses daily

Even if you missed the opportunity to establish good communication early in your child's life, it is never to late to start. Make the decision to improve your relationship, and start today.

Consistency is Key

The most important aspect of child displine is consistency. Your child must know from day-to-day that the house rules are always the same. If your child knows that she sometimes gets away with misbehavior, she will continually test her limits. If the rules and routines change periodically with no warning, children become confused and disoriented. Before we can expect our kids to follow the rules, we must be clear on those rules.

Don't Overwhelm

It is also unrealistic to expect overnight change. If we have had a home free of rules, we can't expect the kids to instantly fall in line just because we "say so". Change must be gradual and consistent. Likewise, it is important to avoid too many unneccesary rules all at once. Decide what rules are most important for your home and family and start with those. For many families, the most important rules involve proper treatment of family members. For others, responsibility and chores are top priorities.

Clear Communication

After you have established your family rules, you must communicate these to your children. Have a family meeting to present your rules and your new child discipline program. If your children are old enough to read, you may want to post the family rules in key places around the house. Again, do not expect instant compliance. Young children have short attention spans and will likely need many reminders before the new behaviors become habits. Remember, there is a huge difference between willful defiance and simply forgetting.

Positive Reinforcement

Since the primary goal of child discipline is to produce "good" kids, it is important to "catch" your child doing the right things. Most children instinctively want to please their parents; these kids thrive on praise and parental approval. This is especially true with the parents and children enjoy a close bond. While it is unneccesary to go overboard, a bit of positive reinforcement goes a long way. A simple pat on the back or a hug will likely brighten your child's day. A heartfelt, "Good job!" offers motivation to continue the proper behavior.

Negative Reinforcement

Since even the most well-behaved children will sometimes break the rules, you will also need to decide how you feel about negative reinforcement, or punishment. You may decide that a simple "talking to" is sufficient in all but the most major cases. On the other hand, you may feel the need for an actual punishment. Some possibilities include:

• Time-out
• Loss of privileges, such as television, phone, or computer time
• Natural consequences (for example, if your child doesn't do her homework, the natural consequence would be that she receives a bad grade)
• Being assigned additional chores