Difficult Family Members

UGH I’m so frustrated I could pull my hair out!  Last night we had a big party at my in-law’s house.  My nieces and nephews really dislike two of my children.  They (the nieces and nephews) bully them (two of my kids) and the parents do nothing.  My oldest is upset because she doesn’t like seeing her siblings getting yelled at (she’s a sweet one), my son doesn’t want to play with his cousins anymore, and my middle daughter came home crying because the oldest cousin is just plain mean to her.  My kids are not perfect. . .but neither are they instegating (and actually they are trying hard to walk away and ignore—they don’t respond to their cousins at all.)  Part of the issue is a very different standard for what is and is not polite or acceptable behavior. 

So what would you do?

Family get togethers are always challenging for me as well.  I am the only one in my family that have boys and they are way different then having girls.  When they were younger, I always felt that my family did not think I was a good parent.  They had so much energy and they were just being boys.  Now that I have a little girl, I see the difference.  I understand a little better why they were not used to my boys.  I find that we all get along better if I limit our visits.  A distant relationship is sometimes a good thing.  That way when we do get together we enjoy each other’s company a lot better.

Like absense makes the heart grow fonder?    We live 5 minutes away although I am going to start limiting our time together and/or limit our time together to times when my spouse can be there as well.  Charming spouse and I had a conversation about how one of us just needs to supervise constantly at all times—ridiculous because these kids are mostly older.  But I cannot tell another mother that “real life” does not include getting yelled at.

Oh my gosh, that is too close.  Well it sounds like a good plan even though it is too bad that you have to supervise.  Isn’t it frustrating when you know you will be around kids that have a negative effect on our kid’s behavior.  We try so hard as parents to teach good morals and values, and then other kids come and try to knock them down.  I have noticed this especially with girls.  Little girls can be so mean.  My boys hardly every have any problems with friends.  One of my daughter’s closest friends is always comparing the two of them and putting my daughter down.  They are only 5 years old and it is so frustrating for me.  I am really good friends with her mom too, which makes it especially hard.  Like you I have to supervise that friend, so I make sure that my daughter does not start to lose her self esteem.  I know I am biased, but my daughter is a love and has a big heart.  This little girl comes along and brags how much better she is all the time.  Okay, I will stop now.  Can you tell I am a little emotional over this?

LOL That’s okay I understand.  In our case, it is a nephew who is particularly mean.  One of my nieces is just moody and her mother says, “Well that’s just the way she is.”  I can’t say that the neices and nephews have a particularly negative effect on my kids—but my kids just get sick of their antics.  The standard for acceptable behavior is definitely different.

That is what I am hoping for.  Right now I am limiting what my daughter does with that one friend.  I am hoping that when they get older, either she will stop putting my daughter down or my daughter will get fed up with her. It will be interesting to see what happens when they get older.

We experienced something similar on our vacation last month. My daughter and her cousin are both almost 6, and apparently this is the age when girls start *not* getting along for the smallest things. It was weird for me to see my daughter and her cousin fight and to have my daughter come to me and cry that her cousin was being mean.

I usually try to just let my daughter work things out with other kids, but with this instance it got so bad that I had to take my daughter away from the situation and give her a pep talk about getting along with family and all that jazz.

I do believe it is a girl thing.  It is amazing to me that at such an early age there is so much drama between girls.  This was definitely not the same for my sons.  It is fascinating to me to see the differences in my kids as they grow up.

You are all right that girls are much more vicious than boys. I see it when I substitute sometimes at the local school and from my two girls’ friends. Boys might get in a fist fight and beat each other to a pulp, but in the end they tend to walk away friends with all differences forgotten. Girls, on the other hand, will hold a grudge forever and viciously seek revenge.

However, I also think it goes back to the parents. My daughter got some nasty text messages from a girl at school. And I mean they were BAD. I can’t even repeat them here, they were so bad. Some of the stuff I never heard until college or later. Anyway, I called the other mom and forwarded the messages and she apologized and said she was taking her daughter’s text away. My daughter came home two days later and told me the little girl had her texting back already. Some punishment. Of course she’ll turn around and do something equally nasty again. Why wouldn’t she? She isn’t being taught not to.

I would definitely limit the time your kids are around this and even leave when it starts. Your children shouldn’t have to put up with abuse. I’m assuming by the “real world” comment by your in-laws that you probably homeschool, but you should just tell them that in the real world most of us don’t put up with people abusing us. We either leave the situation or get away from that person. I know I do. Your kids are probably learning a valuable life lesson about avoiding aggressive behavior.

Yes, we homeschool to the chagrin of my in-laws. Interesting, about the commentary about the girls because in this case it is definitely my nephew that is the bully. But I certainly agree that in general, girls can be more vicious. I think girls feel more free or are better at using words to “hit”, whereas boys are more physical.

We have not seen them for a few weeks and probably won’t for the rest of summer vacation-which is fine with me at this point. I find that I’m able to be more tolerant of the laissez faire attitude when I see them less.

Family get togethers are always challenging for me as well.  I am the only one in my family that have boys and they are way different then having girls.  When they were younger, I always felt that my family did not think I was a good parent.  They had so much energy and they were just being boys.  Now that I have a little girl, I see the difference.  I understand a little better why they were not used to my boys.  I find that we all get along better if I limit our visits.  A distant relationship is sometimes a good thing.  That way when we do get together we enjoy each other’s company a lot better.

I definitely agree to this. But it’s not about them it’s always about how we teach them, how we take care of them, and how we discipline them.

jackscott