Being a new mom brings with it a long list of trials and tribulations and there are some things that any new mom just doesn't need to hear. Seeing one soon? Make sure absolutely NONE of these slip out of your mouth....
1. You Look Exhausted!
Yeah no kidding?! You wouldn't look so hot either on one of hour sleep a night for the last two weeks either! If you think a new mom looks exhausted, she probably is, and doesn't need a public service announcement to the whole world of a fact that she is probably already very aware of.
2. I'm So Tired!
What the !?!?!? Are you kidding? Moaning on about how tired you are when you've only had six hours sleep because your hubby was snoring is an utter joke when a new mom is probably getting about a sixth of that. Your sleep sounds like seventh heaven in comparison, so stop being a total insensitive special kind of human being and zip it!
3. Losing The Baby Weight Yet?
Guess what? Although OBVIOUSLY a new mom would just love to magically drop that baby weight right off, she has some other priorities in life right now. You know, like feeding and changing the baby, and perhaps getting to have a shower once in a while.
4. Your Baby Looks Just Like Your MIL
Unless the new mom is absolutely best buds with her mother-in-law (slim chance right?), then this is like committing new mom felony. First of all, a new mom only EVER wants to hear that her baby looks like her, maybe possibly the Dad if she is not wanting to kill him in a fit of hormonal rage at that point in time. Unless you're banking on friendship suicide, even if you think the baby really does look like her MIL just don't go there.
5. My Baby Never Did That
*NEWSFLASH!* Every baby is different, and quite frankly, a new mom couldn't give two hoots about what your baby did or didn't do, and certainly doesn't need you fuelling any new mom anxiety she might have. If your baby slept through the night for 12 hours, or smiled at you in the first 24 hours, or rolled over at two months, or hardly ever cried, keep it on the down-low, okay?
6. When Are You Going Back to Work?
Hang on. One minute, a new mom is squeezing out a gremlin. The next, she's been asked about her plans to return to work. Are you crazy? She doesn't get dressed until noon, and spends most of the day covered in spit-up. Does she sound like someone who is thinking about going back to work yet?
7. Thinking About Number Two Yet?
Woahhhhhh there. Number two? What is this "The Great Baby Race" or something? Last time we checked, we weren't battery hens popping out endless eggs. Plus, our downstairs is still crying. So no, let's not mention anything about number two yet, shall we?
8. You're Breastfeeding, Right?
Whether a new mom chooses to breastfeed or formula feed is none of your business. As long as she's feeding her baby, her job is done. Step aside with the judgement, please.
9. Is He Sleeping Through Yet?
What do you think you dingbat!? If you were a tiny baby who was constantly hungry, needing to grow and survive, and feeling totally spooked by being out in the big wide world, would you be sleeping like a log for twelve hours straight? And remember, we don't want to hear that your baby did so at two months.
10. Enjoy Every Minute
You know what, it's pretty hard enjoying every minute as a new mom when you spend most of your seemingly endless waking hours baby firefighting in a sleep-deprived state, and then totally failing at trying to do anything else around the house. So please don't make a new mom feel guilty or inadequate about how much she is probably NOT enjoying every moment right now.
11. Have You Seen So And So Celebrity's Tummy??!
We're sure Anne Hathaway's tummy is going to look like it never had a baby inside in an instant, but a new mom does not want to hear or think about it. They want to wallow in the sags and folds of their own tummy, and mourn the one of the past.
12. Have You Had Sex Yet?
Erm sorry, but it's not like we used to spill the beans about our sex life before we had a baby, so why would we do that now? And as we said before, a new mom has other more pressing things to worry about other than dusting off the cobwebs from down there. You know... like surviving!
13. I Just Had The Most Amazing Time at BLAH BLAH
Oh you had an amazing weekend? The most awesome time non-stop partying? The hands-down best facial ever? How LOVELY for you! Why don't you just get a new mom's nose and rub it right in your annoying ways whilst you're at it. Unless you have skin thicker than a crocodile, then you better know that any new mom does not want to hear about anything indulgent, awesome, or carefree that you have been enjoying lately.
14. Just Wait Til The Terrible Twos
C'mon now...if you were standing at the gates of hell, would you want to hear that there was a worse hell on the horizon? Nope, you certainly would not. Do not even dare HINT at what is to come unless you want a new mom to have a cardiac arrest.
Some words are better kept to themselves whilst a new mom is adjusting to motherhood. With a few choice words, and the avoidance of those above, you can help ease some of her pain.