We All Make Rookie Mistakes
Let's face it, being a new parent is an absolute minefield! In our bleary-eyed states, we lurch from one rookie mistake to another. Parenthood has a sharp learning curve, that's for sure, but in the end it's all worth it.
Thinking You Can Just Do Things
Thinking you can just pop out to the supermarket with baby and be back in a jiffy? Contemplating taking that phone call from your boss or eye-roll-inducing mother-in-law before baby wakes up screaming bloody murder? Well, baby's got other ideas and they're called crying the house down before you get round to doing anything. Don't kid yourself.
Bouncing Your Baby Around After a Feed
Oh hey, we know a great game, it's called stuffing a tiny stomach full of milk and then catapulting your baby above your head in the name of entertainment. It's much like going on the Tilt-a-Whirl after having a huge lunch. A toupee of vomit is not a good look for any new parent.
Thinking a Bigger Diaper Will Do
Listen up folks, there is a reason why diapers come in specific sizes for specific-sized baby butts. They're called poo-namis. If your baby has one whilse wearing a diaper that's erring on the large size because they ran out of the correct ones in store, heaven help you. Suffice it to say, a bigger diaper will not do just fine.
Forgetting Your Bra After a Feed
You did it! You finally made it out to a cafe and breastfed your baby in public!! You are literally high-fiving yourself when you realise as you stand up to pack away that everyone is staring at you. To your shock and horror, you realize that in your sleep deprived state your huge watermelon boob is saying hello to the whole world and his wife. Mortified doesn't even begin to cover it.
Letting Your Baby Lie on You Naked
There is nothing more delicious than skin-to-skin contact with your baby. Both of you are dozing off until you are woken from your dribbling slumber by a big juicy sounding follow-through fart. You awake to realize that the most lethally offensive thing to leave a newborn's bum is plastered all over your good self, proving that baby poo really is the devil's tool.
Gloating About Sleep
Oh pat on the back for you! You have just finished gloating to all your parent friends about what an incredible little sleeper your cherub is. He takes amazing naps, sleeps through the night until one day. . .he doesn't. Say goodbye to sleep and say hello to sleep deprivation. Not feeling so smug now that you're up with your cherub-turned-minion in the wee hours of the morning now are you?
Not Having Baby Wipes Within Reach
To every new parent, baby wipes are your best friend - your savior in the most messy, unsavory times. The time you have them out of arm's reach will be just the time when you are engulfed in a deluge of projectile vomit, fast flowing poo and a boatload of other nasties. Murphy's Law at its finest.
What the Floater?!
There's nothing more fun that having a splish splash around in the bath with your baby - and what could be cuter than actually getting in the tub together? That is until you realise that the unidentified object floating around in the water is not in fact a new bath toy, but actually a poopy floater!
Going Out Without a Change of Clothes
Uh oh! Every single time you go out, you religiously pack a full change of clothing for your sproglet so you're always prepared. But since you never, ever use it - you figure just this once it will be fine to run out without those extra pants. This is inevitably the day your baby somehow figures out how to loosen the tape on his diapers just enough to pee down his pants. Because nothing is better than carrying around a baby with a wet front all day.
Thinking That's Your Baby's First Smile
Oh look! Look! His first smile! Uh oh...wait a minute, is that their face turning red? Do you hear some grunting emanating from your child's direction? SQUELCH! Yes silly you, that was not your darling's first smile but a massive, soggy fart they were working on.
Freaking Out About Everything
OMG! The baby has a sniffle. The baby is crying. The baby hasn't pooped in days. The baby spat up. Panic, panic, panic!!! Rush to the doctor! Come on newbies, stop giving yourselves a nervous breakdown and know that most of this stuff it totally normal. After all, you do have a baby - stuff happens.
Thinking Your Things Will Stay Nice
Think your things are not going to get smashed, stained, bitten, booger-fied, scratched, puked, pooped and peed on? BAHAHAHAHA! Having a baby is like having an ever-increasing wave of destruction washing over your house, leaving clean freaks sweating bullets.
Waking the Baby
Hell hath no fury like a baby awakened. Seriously, you know how peeved you get when somebody wakes you up? Yes, that. For the love of Pete, put that milk away and let a sleeping baby sleep!
Not Covering the Winkie During a Diaper Change
Wooooohooo! Willy is free and that means time to let loose! Sick of getting peed on? Duh! That's because you're supposed to hold it down and cover it before he gets a chance to pee all over your face.
Flying With Your Baby
Think being stuck on a freeway with nothing moving for hours is bad? Try being stuck in an airplane while being responsible for a baby confined to an airline bassinet. Come on, did you really think you could just pop them in a poky excuse for a bed and get some sleep on a red eye flight. Are you crazy?
How many of these rookie mistakes were you guilty of? Come on now, it's time to fess up!